It's pathetic that I feel this way. It's more embarassing that I'm even admitting it. But it's the raw truth and perhaps it's the driving force behind my next confession: I want him. BAD.
Him. The Italian race car driver.
I think it's been a combination of post-traumatic Valentine's Day loneliness and being drunk with this immense desire to nurture, be nurtured, receive affection and attention that has led me to feel this way. I mean, that's the only feasible explanation I have. Valentine's Day was, afterall, just two days ago and I've never felt like this towards him before.
I....like....him.
Before it was just "fooling around" (no worries; I'll spare you with the details) with no emotional attachment involved. I was so infatuated with his status (for crissakes, he's a race car champion), his ethnic background (Italian, oooh la la), and his looks. Any ounce of attention he would give me, I would reciprocate with googly eyes and sporadic interjections of flirtatious giggles. I was a fucking sick teenybopper. My impression of him was distorted by many of the aforementioned factors. He was my real-life Ken (Barbie) doll, and honestly, having him only in the physical level was fine for me. He satisfied the physical cravings I had held in for so long from my failed long-distance relationship. I had no obligations towards him with an emotional-baggage free ride. It was, for what it was worth, just what I needed here in Japan.
Recently I've seen more of him than I have in the past 4 months that I've known him. I've seen him 5 times this week on separate occassions. I've also gotten to know him more, and more than just the roof of his mouth. He's funny. He's sincere. He has a genuine interest in the things I have to say. He's freaking adorable when I see him revert to a 10 year-old boy whenever he's around his roommate (they act like brothers). And I was a total goner when he expressed the best hospitality manners when I came to visit his apartment yesterday.
We haven't done anything in the past few weeks. Mostly it's because we've been in the company of other friends. But when he dropped me off at my apartment last night after having dinner with Mary last night, there was nothing. By nothing, I mean there was no hug, kiss... nothing, just a wave and a brief "good-bye". He was so non-chalant about it, and that's what bothers me the most.
WTF. I got a good dose of much-needed girlie talk and men consultation from Mary via MSN messenger quickly right after. She fed me the much needed "I got the vibe that he digs you" talk, but that only offered temporary relief (thanks for trying though, Mary). His behaviour boggles my mind. At first, we were on a roll comfortably treading water in the shallow end, but I know clue where we stand now! If he's not interested in me in any aspect, I would rather have him say "good riddance!" and refuse my invitations. He didn't have to buy me drinks at Ell's Ditch on Saturday or go for Indian and drinks on Monday. He didn't have to go to dinner with me and Mary late last night, considering he was already full before he cam. Again, I stress, WTF.
Is this universal behaviour for men? Is this how they do it in Italy? Is this expected and common behaviour of race car drivers? Answers! I need answers.
A part of me wants to believe that maybe since we've actually attained a friendship that he respects me more? Or maybe I've put him off in other areas physically, but he stills wants to maintain a friendship? I guess either way, it's a win-win situation as long as he still puts forth effort in whatever relationship we have.
This was all inevitable. I only wanted a crush, a measly "oh he's sooo hot and fun to admire from afar" kind of crush. Then I wanted a friendship, totally platonic and innocent. Eventually it led to wanting something more, and ultimately "I likelikelike HIM".
This isn't healthy, mentally or emtionally. Next time I think I'm going to stick to crushing on the Backstreet Boys or gorgeous gay men, then there will be little room left for dissappointment. And next year, if you happen to need me on February 14, I'll be in Burkina Faso hiding under a rock.
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